Sevenfold Silence

I've known a lot of people who say they "always knew they were [an elf, a dragon, a wolf, whatever]", and honestly I'm amazingly jealous of those people. I may have always known I was different, but I smothered it and hated it and never really tried to explain it. An elf, a fairy? Too crazy for me. That burning desire you feel when you even start thinking of the fae? It burns too hot, too dangerous--reject it. Wings? Psychosomatic, wishful thinking. Ignore 'em.

So no, even though I always knew I was different I never knew what I was. And I still don't--at least, not quite. I've narrowed it down considerably but I'm still not all of the way there.

I am also a gnostic, inasmuch as I believe very firmly in knowing and learning, and that self-knowledge is the only knowledge really worth having, and all that other stuff that when I type it out looks pretty dippy. I want to know myself, fully, every nook and cranny and jot and tittle. I want the entire of my history laid out in front of me, so I know who I am.

A lot of people, I think, dismiss the otherkin self-finding thing as masturbatory, and maybe it is, and it can be--that's a topic worth exploring in a later entry. But what I'm saying is, it's hard, it's long and arduous and irritating, and it's also utterly beautiful and terrific and I wouldn't settle for less. I am a gnostic, and I believe knowledge has power and is good, and I believe in coming to terms with what you are--and that is what's led me down this path, and what's keeping me on it.